Richard Owain Roberts : Take That

This is the Take That story that Richard read at Balloon on Wednesday 15th June 2011. It’s brilliant.

‘David Cameron just sent me an email.’

Gary logs out of Conservativehome.blogs.com and closes his laptop.

‘David Cameron just sent me an email.’

Gary tries to make eye contact with Jason.

Gary tries to make eye contact with Mark.

‘David Cameron just sent me an email, guys.’

Howard looks up,

‘We don’t bring politics into the room, you know that. You know that.’

Gary opens his laptop.

Howard puts on MonsterBeats headphones and closes his eyes.

Howard opens his eyes.

Jason is doing facial warm-up exercises in front of a full length mirror.
Howard closes his eyes.

Jason opens his mouth as wide as he can.

Jason shuts his mouth.

Jason opens his mouth as wide as he can.

Jason bares his teeth and makes a growling noise.

Jason turns around and asks whether everyone has completed their monthly performance review.

Mark says that he has not completed his monthly performance review.

Howard says that he has not completed his monthly performance review.

Gary shakes his head and says

‘Come on, guys. You should all have completed your monthly performance reviews’

‘I emailed you my monthly performance review’ Robbie tells Jason.

‘I know, Rob. The attachment had a virus’ Jason tells Robbie.

‘Oh, did it? By the way, thanks for letting me become an alcoholic’ Robbie tells Jason.

Gary closes his laptop and stands up. Gary inhales.

‘Guys, we don’t bring conflict into the room.’ he says, making a wagging gesture with his right hand.

‘I wrote a song when I was in rehab’ Mark says.

Robbie claps his hands slowly, for five seconds.

‘Positivity is key going forward’ Jason says ‘ Positivity is key going forward because when you blame me for your alcoholism and subsequent addictions, Rob, you remind me of why I probably didn’t reach out to you in the first place. I find you very difficult to be around. I’m a lot smarter than you, I think you should know that. You have high levels of toxicity. You belittle people and then expect them to compromise their own behaviour for fear of causing you to abandon your sobriety. This is blackmail. You are a deceptive person, Rob. It’s boring. You are a very boring person, I think you should know that. I say all of this from a place of positivity, Rob, and I hope you take it that way going forward.’

Howard removes his MonsterBeats headphones and puts his arm around Mark.

‘Can I borrow your MonsterBeats headphones?’ Mark asks Howard.

‘No, you’re complicit in this situation, Mark. My arm around your shoulder is a gesture of support, not an exemption from the collective responsibility’.

Robbie sits on the sofa, next to Howard and Mark.

Robbie looks at Jason and says, ‘Thank you for telling me your truth Jason. Jay, you are callous and ambitious. This is something that you have admitted previously, and I believe it is clouding your assessment of my struggles with addiction. The inaction you speak of nearly killed me. In moral terms, you are an attempted murderer. That’s a fact. You are unable to process this guilt, Jay, and in turn, it becomes anger, which you channel in my direction. Similarly, you can be unnecessarily caustic in your appraisals; often in instances where you cannot qualify your opinions, presented as factual statements, with anything more than glib truisms. You are a man with agendas, agendas that serve only to promote your own success, regardless of the cost to others. You have been incredibly lucky in your life, and I wish you could be happy. You are a devastatingly unhappy person, Jay, I think you should know that.’

Jason drinks a two litre bottle of Brecon Carreg water.

Jason smiles.

Jason says, ‘Thanks, Rob. Thanks for telling me your truth. Please forward me your monthly performance review before the close of play today.’